When it matters, April 25

Being beautiful isn’t about what you wear or about making sure you burn more calories every day than you eat.  Living a life that is floating somewhere in Limbo is teaching me a few things about the depth and meaning of beauty.  Yesterday, in a conversation about this strange land of foggy limbo I’m in, a friend said to me, “This is just a season.”  It is good to be reminded of that, but at the same time I responded, “I would just like to know when this season is going to end.”  Sometimes it is hard for me to see the beauty in life.  I can dress so that I look really good, but I have realized that has no bearing on feeling beautiful--feeling good about myself, yes, but not feeling beautiful.  Perhaps it’s because I am me or perhaps it’s because I’m 30 and not 21 anymore, but in my life beauty has become something that strikes my heart.  Beauty has a depth and a meaning so much better than what the world will have me believe, and it can be seen in little moments, not just epic booms.  Beauty has to be found in little things I see each day.  The days in which I’m most distressed about my life are days in which I have blocked the ability to see beautiful things, or maybe a better way to say that is the ability to see things beautifully.  

Life ceases to be enjoyable when beauty ceases to exist.  Sometimes we have to work at seeing beauty, we have to be intentional.  And, yes, there may be days here and there where we simply can’t see.  

Today, I’m going out to Portland.  I’m going to go to Stumptown where I will enjoy the beauty of getting around when I can’t afford a car (because before this I lived in a place where that was very difficult), and where I will enjoy the beauty of a place that values a prize-winning cup of coffee even more so than mass profit.  They really do make the best mocha I have ever had.  And then I will go meet up with a friend. Sometimes I get bored in Portland, because overall, it is not new for me, and I want a new adventure, but the truth is that Portland is an amazing city.  It is beautiful to look at.  You never know what kind of people you will see on the street and on the bus.  Its unique character shines in the funky local business that can be found everywhere, not the least of which is the most amazing bookstore in the world.  So today, instead of being disappointed that I’m bumming around Portland, I will look for something interesting, something beautiful.  I may still be a little disappointed, but I will not let it rule my day.